By Kevin J. Anderson
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The process is a deeply personal one, and no outsider can determine how long it should take or what should be the breaking point. CHAPTER 2 Hard Choices A woman in a marriage gone wrong wrestles with the fact that she cannot stay and cannot leave, that both decisions have unendurable consequences. Where will she live? What will happen to the children—and how on earth could she do this to them? What kind of living can she make? Will she be alone for the rest of her life? The choice between her survival and that of her marriage terrifies.
In Unfinished Business, her book on depression, Maggie Scarf observed a tendency toward stillness and inaction in women overwhelmed by fear of the unknown. ” Eyes open slowly. The mind is not eager to process what it sees. Immobility is more comfortable than the prospect of divorce until fears are faced and put in perspective. 26 / CUTTING LOOSE FEAR OF AUTONOMY Despite the fact that she made a good living and had no children, Jodie, a slightly built software analyst from San Francisco whose auburn curls frame her narrow face, spent more than half of her four-year marriage in an agony of indecision.
One fundamental response is to do nothing at all, like the proverbial deer frozen in the headlights. Fear can paralyze. It’s also hard for a depressed person to take initiative. For reasons ranging from terror to torpor, the women in this study spent months or years wrestling with whether and when to make the move. Though it seemed easier at the time to sit tight, this immobility clearly took a tremendous emotional toll. In Unfinished Business, her book on depression, Maggie Scarf observed a tendency toward stillness and inaction in women overwhelmed by fear of the unknown.